Follicle Counts and Egg Retrieval

So we have kind of been on standby waiting to hear how our donor is doing before making travel plans, and it’s been driving us a little crazy. We received an update on Wednesday, and at that point our donor was showing 30 follicles, 5 of which were 10-14 mm. Our nurse told us then that in previous cycles our donor had egg retrieval on Wednesday, so we were kind of gearing up for Ryan to go out there Tuesday morning and come back Thursday afternoon. We were looking at flights for those days, and just sitting and waiting all day for today’s ultrasound update before actually booking them. There were times that I thought, “to Hell with it” and wanted to book the flights, but something kept telling me to hold off for our update. Thank goodness we did!

So the nurse emailed us today and said that our donor is looking great. She still has 30 follicles showing, 5 are 18-23 mm, and 14 follicles are are over 14 mm. I’m not sure if that means we have a total of 19 follicles measuring over 14 mm, or if the over 14 mm follicles include the first 5 that were mentioned. Either way, they are good numbers and we should have plenty of eggs to work with. I’d be lying though if I didn’t say that 14 total follicles would be a little disappointing considering she has had 21-25 eggs retrieved in her previous cycles. But I hate to be that way, and I’ll obviously be grateful for what we have, regardless.

But the big news is that she said that egg retrieval will most likely be MONDAY! Monday wasn’t even ever on our radar. Our estimated retrieval for the whole time has always been Tuesday – Friday, so Monday seems like such a shock! So we changed everything around and booked his flight for Sunday afternoon and coming back Tuesday night. The nurse said that retrieval will be Tuesday at the very latest, so him coming back on a 6:00 pm flight should cover that possibility.

We also finally got some questions answered on our Wednesday email – most importantly our antibiotics question. Apparently she finally talked to Dr. Kettle, and he said that they used to prescribe antibiotics, but because of new technologies in ICSI, it isn’t necessary anymore. So we feel better about that. She also answered our question about how long Ryan was supposed to abstain from, well, you know, and she said 3-5 days. So that’s kind of the bummer about the egg retrieval being on Monday thing – Ryan thought he has at least another day before abstaining. OOPS! We are right at 3 days prior to retrieval now – sorry that was probably TMI.

So, it’s really happening! All of this waiting, waiting, waiting, and then all of a sudden the past hour has been BUSY!

We also went ahead and booked our flights for our trip for transfer in August. Here’s hoping that I am cleared for going through with it. August 10th is my baseline ultrasound – please pray for no polyps, good hormone levels, etc. It would suck to have to cancel those flights (and of course the transfer)!

So, yeah, next week is going to be full of embryology reports! So Get Ready, Get Set, GO!

 

PS – I feel like I should also mention the other stuff going on in my life right now, so everyone can understand the additional stress we are under (and so I can remember it down the road – not that I really want to). So, I was in a wreck two days ago. Anadine was in the care with me, too, which made it super scary. We are both fine, thank goodness! But now I’m dealing with insurance, car repair, etc. And my body feels completely beat up. I am so glad I am not doing my portion of the cycle right now. Added hormones and shots would not make things better. But poor Ryan. He did not need the added stress while he is also studying for boards. Plus things are super busy at work for him. I guess no time is a good time, but it hasn’t been easy. I’m just so glad we are okay and he is so supportive.

 

Here We Go!

Our donor went in for her first appointment today for a baseline ultrasound and blood work. I just received the update that everything is a go! They saw 30 resting follicles and she started taking Gonal F today. I wouldn’t even know what 30 follicles looks like on the ultra sound screen. The most I ever saw was 8! The nurse said that typically 70-80% of testing follicles will produce a mature egg. So, of course I did the math. 70% of 30 is 21. Assuming all of those fertilize, and going by the stats that say usually half of embryos test PGS normal, then we could essentially end up with 10, genetically normal embryos. That’s insane!

So now we are on standby. She will go back next Wednesday for a follow up ultrasound. At that point, we may have a better idea of when Ryan needs to go out there. We know it will be around the 18th, but won’t know for sure until we get closer and they see how she’s responding. 

Meanwhile, I’ve been back and forth with our nurse trying to get some answers to some questions. So in previous cycles, Ryan has always had to take antibiotics before egg retrieval. It’s just been a part of the protocol at every other clinic. But it wasn’t mentioned in any of our material we got a month ago. When I asked our nurse about it, she said that they don’t do that, but that both of us will be on antibiotics before transfer. Huh? It makes total sense that I would take antibiotics before transfer, but why Ryan? So yesterday I sent her an email asking for clarification. I also asked if he could take antibiotics before egg retrieval, just for our peace of mind. In a previous semen analysis, doctors have seen white blood cells in his semen, indicating infection or enlarged prostate. It’s an easy fix with antibiotics, so especially since he hasn’t had a semen analysis in over a year, we would both just feel more confident with doing everything we can to assure his best sample possible. I also asked if there was anything else he could be doing: multi vitamin, abstinence for a few days prior, etc. We already know the answers to these questions (this ain’t our first rodeo) but the point was that in all of the paper work, Ryan’s part of the process simply was not mentioned. Anyway, her response was that they have never prescribed antibiotics prior to egg retrieval before, the doctor is out of the office this week, and she’s going to have to ask him when he comes back next week. She didn’t even answer my other questions. 

So here’s what it all boils down to–I’m about fed up with the communication, or lack therof, at SDFC (or at least with our nurse). I feel like they are completely catering to our donor, and we’re the ones paying the big bucks. I feel so out of sorts about the idea that our potential baby is being made this month, and I have nothing to do with it. When we were using my eggs, I was giving myself shots, going to appointments, etc. Now I’m across the country and waiting on an email to get results. However, Ryan does have something to do with it, and he deserves some attention, instruction, and respect for his part of it. Especially when I ask specific questions, I expect for them to be answered. Oh, I also had to ask her for my orders to send to my clinic for my monitoring in August. You would think that would have been included in the millions of other pages of paperwork she sent me. I haven’t gotten my prescriptions for my meds either. I realize I don’t start for another month, but I’d like to have them in hand so as to avoid a rush with my pharmacy. 

I hate to complain. I think it really all stems from feeing out of control and out of touch with the cycle. I’ll focus on the 30 follicles, praying for each one, and continue to ask my questions. And I’ll hope that we get to fill out some sort of survey at the end of this, because they could really use some lessons in patient relations. 

We Have a Schedule!

Finally! The day has come! We have a calendar. I am not naive, and I know that a million things could happen between now and then that could make all of this change, but for now we have a plan. It’s all happening a little later than I had hoped – and the time that my husband has to be out in San Diego does not work out great for his work or for a yearly vacation that we take, but we have to just deal with it. Our donor couldn’t start any earlier, and Heavens knows I do not want to wait to do this later. So here is our donor’s schedule for egg retrieval:

Last birth control pill: 7/2

Baseline ultrasound: 7/6 or 7/7

Start stimulation medication: 7/7

Follow up ultrasound and blood work: 7/12

Follow up ultrasound and blood work: 7/14

May need to be seen the weekend of 7/15 or 7/16

Follow up ultrasound and blood work: 7/17

Egg retrieval: 7/18-7/21

So there it is. So now we still have to make decisions about PGS testing (whether to do it or not), and schedule flights, hotel, etc. I thought that we all may go out there as a family and make a vacation out of it, but the timing is just bad for that. I will be finishing up getting ready for school stuff, and it’s the week before our week at the Neshoba County Fair (look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about), so I have cooking and preparations for that. Now the praying starts for no hiccups in the plan.

Legal Clearance – Check!

We have signed the legal documents, our donor and her husband have done the same, and we are officially one step closer than we’ve ever been before!

So now we are ready to get the long awaited calendar. I emailed Nurse Hilary yesterday to make sure she had received the legal clearance letter from the lawyer. She replied back and said she had, and that she had reached out to the donor to see about dates that she’ll be available. Then she’s supposed to let me know when she hears back from her. Except for at the bottom of the email there was a statement that said the SDFC offices will be closed from May 18-May 21, so that means — yep, more waiting.

I just hope the donor has responded to her and she can get things going first thing Monday morning. I am so ready for that calendar. Everything this summer, at least July, is put on hold until we know what we’re doing. And it’s driving me crazy! I have this terrible feeling that something is going to go wrong…maybe the donor won’t be available at all in July. What if this thing has to get pushed even further? I guess all there is to do is hope.

That’s what’s really hard about IVF with donor eggs. When I was doing IVF before, you had to work around schedules of course, and so much depended on your body cooperating. But now, it’s not just my schedule and my body, it’s also about a complete stranger’s body and schedule. And I know when I get an email from the nurse, I am on top of it – I respond within minutes if at all possible. I know that it’s not quite as urgent for the donor. We are completely relying on her, and that’s really tough.

But hopefully I’ll have some news (hopefully good news) at the beginning of next week. Until then, I focus on finishing out the school year with these kiddos. 4 more days until Summer bliss!

NIAW: Listen Up

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week and the theme this year is “Listen Up.” And really, that’s what any person struggling with infertility needs, is for someone to just listen.

To Family Members and Friends:

Your advice isn’t wanted or needed, especially in regards to my treatments. I have received the following advice from various people along the way:

• You should just adopt
• Just relax and it will happen
• I had a friend once who was told it was impossible for her, but then it worked
• Isn’t one enough?
• You shouldn’t do the treatments. It must not be in God’s plan for you to have children.
• Go see a nun – she works miracles
• You shouldn’t do the treatments because the hormones will give you cancer
• Just wait – it will happen when it’s supposed to
• You’re so young – there isn’t any rush
• Why don’t you just use a surrogate?

I could go on and on. The problem with most of this advice, is it’s given without fully understanding what my problems are. And I get that. I didn’t understand how babies were made until I had to understand it. I didn’t know what Fallopian tubes do, or how ovaries work, or what a follicle was. I don’t expect for anyone else to understand it either.

So, just listen…

I am happy to explain what you don’t understand. The problem is, I need to know what you don’t understand. So ask me, and then be prepared to…LISTEN.

 

To Insurance Companies,

Infertility is a disease. 1 in 8 people suffer from some form of infertility, yet none, NONE, of the treatments are covered by insurance companies most of the time. The thing that holds most infertile couples back from becoming parents is most often finances. Fertility treatments are so dang expensive! I remember being shocked by the $1,500 bill for the hysteroscopy to have my tubes checked out. It was the first ever test that was performed and I remember thinking “this better work!” And then we skipped a whole bunch of other steps and had to go straight to the big guns – $15,000 for one IVF cycle, plus the cost of medications, and none of it was covered. So insurance companies, LISTEN UP!

To Politicians,

Signing bills like the Personhood Amendment doesn’t just make laws against abortion, it also has the potential to harm the field of infertility treatments. For those of you who are unfamiliar, this bill defines life at fertilization…not conception, fertilization.

There are so many things wrong with that statement, but mostly that, in most cases, fertilization happens at the very top of a Fallopian Tube, way before the woman knows she is pregnant (about 2 weeks before, actually). So you’re risking tubal pregnancies, early miscarriages, and a million other things that could happen, which could potentially be considered the woman’s fault under the guidelines of this bill.

But in regards to fertility treatment, IVF to be specific, fertilization happens outside of the body. So according to this bill, embryos made in a lab are human beings. And should anything happen to those embryos, someone is to blame – for murder. This bill has the potential to stop fertility treatments altogether because no doctor, or embryologist, is going to want to take that risk.

So politicians…LISTEN UP. We deserve to be heard.

As with anyone who is going through some sort of struggle that is hard for the majority of the population to understand, we just want to be able to share, without judgement. Sometimes we just need a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes we may want a prayer. Most of the time, we just want you to LISTEN.

A Letter Written Years Ago

Sometimes, about once a year, I go back and read this letter. It’s a letter I wrote to family and friends who has been walking with us on our IVF journey to give them an update on how our third IVF cycle had gone. (spoiler alert- not good). I like to read it because it reminds me to be grateful. Grateful of our journey, of where we are, and of the outpouring love that we have received from the people in our lives.

It’s hard to read. It always brings tears to my eyes. But it reminds me to be grateful. So here it is. Side note: writing this letter is also what inspired me to start a blog. When that IVF cycle failed, I couldn’t stand the idea of calling/texting/emailing every single person who knew about it and repeating the news over and over again.

So here it is —

Dear Family and Friends,

This is for all of you who have been my support group for the past several months/years. Many of you unknowingly volunteered for this position by giving me unconditional love, prayers, and support. Most of you fell into the position (whether you wanted to or not) by just being around me every day and not being able to escape it; and some of you had no choice because you’re a relative. (sorry!) Regardless of the reason, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being there for Ryan and me. I wish I had the time (or really the emotional will-power) to write each and every one of you a personal, handwritten note – but I just can’t put myself through that (I am certain you all understand!) You have all, in your own ways, been a true blessing to me. I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to have your prayers, your words of encouragement, your shoulders to cry on, your ears to listen to my screaming frustration, and your gentle hearts and faith to help me carry on.

This is a letter I started writing for myself, just to get all of my ideas out of my jumbled mind. But as I was writing it, I felt that I needed to share it with all of you. After all, you have been through this entire journey with me, and I felt as if you deserve to know what I’m thinking – I don’t always express myself too well with spoken words, and sometimes I think I come across as more of a doer than a feeler (if that makes any sense.) Basically, I just wanted you to know, because you deserve to know, how I am feeling.

This has been the most difficult 2 ½ years of my life. Ryan and I have been through the heartbreak of trying our hardest to have a baby “the old fashioned way,” only to be disappointed each month for a year and a half. I have charted basil body temperatures, been told by doctors to just be patient -“sometimes it takes people longer”, “your temperature charts are textbook perfect” they said. Then, after referring myself to a Reproductive Endocrinologist 10 months ago, it has been a whirlwind of even more emotions. We have found out I can’t have children naturally due to blocked tubes, I’ve been through 2 IVF cycles that got canceled due to poor response to the medications (after doing all of the injections, I might add) and then, after more hormones and blood tests, found out I also have the egg supply of a 40 year old. Through all of this I have watched all of my married friends get pregnant without really trying – “just to add salt to the wound” as they say. (please don’t take offense to that for those of you who are so very blessed with babies!)

The past month has been the most difficult – Ryan and I have been to 2 funerals of close family members, I have stuck myself with a needle twice a day, swallowed a countless supply of hormones in pill form, been through a painful medical procedure, to then start having shots given to me by Ryan or Mom with a 2 inch long needle every day (talk about the feeling of helplessness)- with thick enough medicine to give me welts and bruises on my back. I have gained close to 10 pounds due to the countless number of hormones that I’ve been subjecting my body to, my face looks like a 16 year old’s, and my ovaries still feel like they have golf balls inside them. My entire body aches, the bruise on my left arm from all of the blood work makes me look like a heroine addict, and my eyes are constantly blood shot from all of the crying. I have gone to talk to a nun who supposedly performs miracles, especially dealing with infertility (one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, by the way) and have spent countless hours on the Internet on message boards of people who have done IVF, Googling my diagnosis (yeah I know – terrible idea) and researching clinics across the country who may be able to better help me. I have gotten my hopes up one day: planning a nursery, figuring out important pregnancy dates (even the week that I would get the glucose test done – I know I’m weird), to then bawling my eyes out because I didn’t have any “symptoms.” And don’t even get me started on the money we’ve spent on all of this – the medical bills that I will be paying off of my credit card for the rest of my life (or so it seems!) and the miles that I have put on my poor car driving back and forth to our RE’s office which is 2 1/2 hours away. I spent the majority of my Thanksgiving break on bed rest, spending countless hours looking at the picture of our little 4 cell embryo, and praying for a miracle. Regardless of the praying, regardless of what “Papa” told the nun, regardless of doing everything right, I found out today that I won’t be having a baby in 9 months – my arms will be empty.

Still, after all of this, I’m ready to start again. Whether it’s with my own eggs, through donor eggs, or through adoption – I will be a mother and Ryan will be a dad. We don’t know why God has challenged us with this, and we are both pretty angry with Him right now. However, we also know that He is all we have left. He is the only being that we can truly depend on right now. I’m not sure I have ever needed God more. As angry and confused as I am about why He has chosen me for this challenge, and as much as I feel like He owes us a miracle, I know that it is ultimately up to Him. No matter how much I beg and scream and throw my fist, He will answer my prayers when He is ready. Finding the patience is the most difficult, especially when I know that every month we don’t do IVF, is every month that I’m losing eggs from my diminishing supply – they’re just going to waste.

But I can say – when it does finally happen for us, I won’t ever take it for granted. I will cherish every moment of my pregnancy (oh how I pray for morning sickness and back pain), every moment of delivery (although I will be getting an epidural, I don’t want to remember it that badly!), and every sleepless night with my newborn. I will sing to the heavens when my baby starts teething, crawling, and walking. I will delight in my two year old’s tantrums, potty training, and moodiness. I will be grateful for every lost tooth (and I HATE dealing with teeth!), and every skinned knee (oh yeah, and I don’t do blood very well either!) I will praise God for a 16 year old that hates me, and I will thank Him for the countless debt from his/her college tuition. I will watch my children get married and bless me with grandchildren and I will tell them all how much I love them and am blessed by them every single day. I will cherish the bad moments along with the good. I know there will be moments when I will be tired and feel like complaining, but I won’t for a second miss the days when I wasn’t a mother.

I’m not really sure what our next steps are. We know we will keep trying. We know we will never give up. We will spend every last penny we have, and we will travel whatever distance it takes. Because I know, from the deepest place in my soul, that I am meant to be a mother.

I love you all so very much. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. And please know that I thank God for all of you every night. I have never felt so loved – and that is the blessing that I can take from all of this. It has made me closer to my husband, I have discovered who my true friends are, and I have never appreciated my family more. I will forever be grateful for that.

Small Victories

Well here is an update on our legal fees situation!

I received another email about an hour later from Katie (bless her!) that said our lawyer (bless her, too) had spoken with the other lawyer and explained our unique situation, and the other lawyer (bless him, three!) agreed to drop the charge from $500 to $350. So we still lost a good bit of money, and we are still paying a lawyer $350 to spend 30 minutes on the phone with our donor, but it feels good to know that people are working with us. It feels good to win a battle, even if it’s just kind of winning it. It feels good to save $150, even thought it’s such a little amount compared to what we are paying for so many other things.

But hey, I will smile for now. Even the little victories are worth smiling about.

What the Embryologist Had to Say

We had our phone call with the embryologist yesterday. Here is what we learned…

1. If we have strong feelings about only transferring one embryo as opposed to two, and if we have strong feelings of having one gender over another, then she strongly suggests PGS testing on a donor egg cycle.

Both of these apply to us. She said that any other donor egg cycle, she would not recommend it, but PGS testing definitely helps with getting a positive pregnancy result the first time.

2. They can do PGS testing on embryos that have already been frozen (ie. if we decided later that we wanted to test embryos that had been frozen) BUT she does NOT recommend it. She said it’s pretty rough on the embryos to be frozen, thawed for testing, refrozen, and then re-thawed for transfer.

3. The PGS testing, if done with skilled hands, has little to no affect on the embryos. If it does affect them, it causes no implantation, or perhaps a very early miscarriage. Damaged embryos will not result in say learning disabilities later on.

4. Yes, PGS testing is super expensive – she asked if we had any other questions and Ryan asked “do y’all have any specials going on right now?” She thought that was pretty funny, but the answer is still no.

So we still haven’t made a decision. I guess we have a while, except that we need to start getting money together if we decide to do it. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling about it right now. I guess I just pray on it and hope that an answer comes along.

In other news, I emailed Jenna about the $500 to the lawyer. I knew she was out of the office this week, but I hoped that someone checking her emails could help me out. Sure enough, someone named Katie responded to my email and explained that she totally understood. She said that she would contact our lawyer to see what she can do. So now we’re just waiting to hear back about that. I hope something can be done. It would be such a relief to win one of our battles!

UPDATE
I just received an email from Katie. Apparently since we requested that another lawyer be used for our donor, there’s not much that can be done in regards to their fees. Our lawyer said that she could have asked for a discount of sorts if it was the same lawyer. I replied back and said that I wasn’t aware that we had requested another lawyer, but that must have been from the conversation Ryan had with Jenna after our donor backed out on us. It’s interesting the things that they remember and the things they don’t. So, I guess we owe another $500. I’m getting really frustrated. I just feel so defeated.

I knew this was coming…

So even though we won’t have egg retrieval until July, I want to go ahead and get everything needed for legals complete so we don’t have to think about it. So I contacted the lawyer, explained that we had found another donor, and asked that we go ahead and start the process. So once she got the go ahead from the clinic, she sent over our retainer letter which we have to sign… along with $500 to pay the new donor’s lawyer.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

When I read that, I just started crying. I knew it was a possibility, but when I asked Jenna all of those questions, it sounded as though there was hope that we wouldn’t be out any money. I just forwarded it to Ryan and said “I want to fight this.” The problem is, we don’t know who to talk to about it. This is a fee that doesn’t go to my lawyer, or SDFC, but to a completely different person with whom I don’t have any contact. I decided I was going to email Jenna about it and see if there is ANYTHING she can do – maybe she can talk to the donor’s lawyer and explain our situation? But Jenna is out of the office until the end of this week. I just didn’t even reply to Alison (the paralegal). I couldn’t. I’m just so tired of this mess.

But then she emailed us on Friday to make sure we had gotten her email. I replied to her and said “I’m sorry for my late response. We’ve been trying to figure out what to do because we weren’t expecting to pay another $500 for the donor’s attorney – especially since the  last time we paid that $500 our original donor backed out on us. I’ll get back to you shortly.” It’s a little snooty. I feel kinda bad about it…kinda.

In the big picture, $500 isn’t all that much. But it’s just so frustrating that we completely lost $500 – I mean we paid that other lawyer to do a terrible job last time. It probably took 30 minutes of her time to have a phone conversation and not convince these people that they’re freaking out over nothing. So I’m going to complain about that. If nothing else, SDFC should cover the cost for us. Am I being ridiculous?

Today we have a phone call with an embryologist at SDFC. We just have some questions about PGS testing. We’re wondering if it’s really worth the $4,000, especially since we now have to pay $4,000 extra for our new donor. We originally signed up to do it for “family balancing” – basically we want a boy this time. But we are realizing that $4,000 is a steep price for that kind of thing. So we basically want to find out if we don’t do it now, and end up with another girl, could we do it later with our frozen embryos for a third pregnancy? I just felt a little sick to my stomach when I typed those words. Ya’ll I’ll be 36 in September – a THIRD pregnancy?! And I have had so many people tell me – “Another girl would not be the end of the world,” “Girls are great – boys are gross,” “But Anadine would love a sister.” Yes, I understand all of this. But when you can’t get pregnant easily, when you are 35 trying to have your second child, and when you have been through everything in the world to have a baby and you are simply trying to find any positive in the situation (and, yes, maybe gender selection could be that positive) then you have to consider it. I know the other side, too… Maybe we’re playing God too much. If we could get pregnant easily, the idea of having another girl would not hinder us from trying again. These are the debates we have back and forth all the time. I’m leaning more towards not having the testing done, but I’m also the frugal one.

I mean, y’all, we are crunching numbers right now. We found out we owe over $2,000 in taxes this year. Now we have this giant loan, added costs, and have to find the cash to get out to San Diego when it’s time. I wish I could just win the lottery. Or get a huge raise. Or get invited to ELLEN! HA! I mean, where’s Oprah when you need her?!