Today has just been one of those days. I don’t really know why. I have no idea what set me off. But it has just been one of those days. We have a Eucharist service on Wednesday mornings at the school where I teach, and as we were waiting for the service to start I just kept thinking “man, am I in a bad mood today!” I just kept thinking about how unfair it is that I have to go through this to have a baby. It wasn’t even that I was thinking about the donor egg aspect of it, just the fact that I have to go through IVF to make a baby. Why me?
Can I tell you how many times I have asked that question. WHY ME? What did I do? Why am I being punished?
Through all of the challenges that I have had in my life (and I’ll be honest, I really haven’t had many horrific challenges, but I’ve had a few) I have always come out of them understanding God’s reasoning. But this is hard to understand.
I have struggled and I have made it out on the other side. I have a beautiful little girl whom I love more than life itself. It’s 6 years later (after discovering my blocked tubes) and I still don’t understand why I had to go through all of that. Is it because God didn’t think I would love my child enough if I didn’t have to work so hard for her? I truly doubt that. I joke that He made it challenging for me because he knew if it was easy I would be the lady with 18 children because I love being a mom that much. And I do (love being a mom that much) but I wouldn’t REALLY have 18 children – I’d probably stop around 3 or 4. HA!
So why? Is it because Ryan and I needed to know we could make it through this challenge in our marriage? Can we officially say we have “made it?” Believe me, God has given us plenty of challenges to get through without throwing in this infertility thing. I just really don’t get it.
It’s this waiting part of it that’s so hard. It’s so hard to process the fact that we can’t move on with anything until we have the money. I’ve put a hold on looking into fertility clinics for a while because I know that we won’t be able to do anything until we make a plan for saving this money and get the majority of it. I am working on filling out grant applications, so that’s keeping me somewhat busy. I also just became a consultant for Pampered Chef to help try to make some extra money. But we’re still looking at not being able to go through with any of the IVF process until at least 6 months from now. We can’t even secure a donor until 3 months before we plan to cycle. So, we just wait…we wait for another miracle. We pray that God shows us a way to find the money. We save, save, save, and we wait.