Sorry it has been awhile since I last posted. There hasn’t been much to report, as we are still at a stand still until we get some of these things taken care of. I had my yearly with my OBGYN yesterday though, so now I have something to tell. First of all, this is a new OBGYN as we have moved since my last yearly appointment. I actually would have just driven the 2 hours to the guy who delivered Anadine because I love him that much, but he’s not on our insurance. However, I LOVE this new guy just as much. He sat down with me and had me explain my whole complicated history to him. It’s always funny when doctors see my chart and see that overall I am a pretty healthy person – good weight, no diseases, typical family history, normal cycles, etc. but then I have all of this fertility stuff. Not just one BAM – blocked tubes, but BAM BAM – low ovarian reserve, and then this time is was a BAM BAM BAM – she also has a polyp on her uterus that needs to be removed. They get really confused when they see that I had a tubal ligation (tubes were tied) in March 2011 and a c-section in February 2012. I have to explain that they tied my tubes to give me the best chances of IVF, but that tying my tubes wasn’t really all that necessary because my tubes are deformed and unlike anything any doctor has ever seen or heard of (at least the doctors I’ve ever talked to!)
Anyway, we did my yearly and pap smear so that I’m all up to date on that. As far as he could tell, everything looked good. Then we talked about getting this polyp out. We scheduled it for April 5, which is two weeks away! I am so glad we can go ahead and get it taken care of. It will be an out patient surgery, but they will put me to sleep and I will have a little bit of recovery time afterwards. He said it is technically a D&C, which I wasn’t a big fan of using that terminology, but whatever. I’m just ready for it to be over with! Here is what made me love him – he is filling out the insurance forms and tweaked my charts to make it look like I am having this done because of irregular bleeding so insurance will pay for it. That means we are not paying $1200 out of pocket. We will be paying more like $650, plus we’ll meet our deductible. It’s still a lot of money that I’d rather not pay, and if my organs were normal I wouldn’t have to pay it, but OH WELL here I am whether I like it or not.
In other news, I’ll be seeing my brother and his family this weekend because they’re coming down south for Easter. The exciting part: I get to meet my new niece (born in December). The not so exciting part: I have to have a sit down with my family and explain my decision to them to use donor eggs. My parents both already know, but my brother is the one that I’m nervous about telling. I really think when it comes down to it he will be very supportive and understanding. I just hope I can clearly explain why I want to go this route and why it’s so important for me to have another baby. Wish me luck!
Today has just been one of those days. I don’t really know why. I have no idea what set me off. But it has just been one of those days. We have a Eucharist service on Wednesday mornings at the school where I teach, and as we were waiting for the service to start I just kept thinking “man, am I in a bad mood today!” I just kept thinking about how unfair it is that I have to go through this to have a baby. It wasn’t even that I was thinking about the donor egg aspect of it, just the fact that I have to go through IVF to make a baby. Why me?
Can I tell you how many times I have asked that question. WHY ME? What did I do? Why am I being punished?
Through all of the challenges that I have had in my life (and I’ll be honest, I really haven’t had many horrific challenges, but I’ve had a few) I have always come out of them understanding God’s reasoning. But this is hard to understand.
I have struggled and I have made it out on the other side. I have a beautiful little girl whom I love more than life itself. It’s 6 years later (after discovering my blocked tubes) and I still don’t understand why I had to go through all of that. Is it because God didn’t think I would love my child enough if I didn’t have to work so hard for her? I truly doubt that. I joke that He made it challenging for me because he knew if it was easy I would be the lady with 18 children because I love being a mom that much. And I do (love being a mom that much) but I wouldn’t REALLY have 18 children – I’d probably stop around 3 or 4. HA!
So why? Is it because Ryan and I needed to know we could make it through this challenge in our marriage? Can we officially say we have “made it?” Believe me, God has given us plenty of challenges to get through without throwing in this infertility thing. I just really don’t get it.
It’s this waiting part of it that’s so hard. It’s so hard to process the fact that we can’t move on with anything until we have the money. I’ve put a hold on looking into fertility clinics for a while because I know that we won’t be able to do anything until we make a plan for saving this money and get the majority of it. I am working on filling out grant applications, so that’s keeping me somewhat busy. I also just became a consultant for Pampered Chef to help try to make some extra money. But we’re still looking at not being able to go through with any of the IVF process until at least 6 months from now. We can’t even secure a donor until 3 months before we plan to cycle. So, we just wait…we wait for another miracle. We pray that God shows us a way to find the money. We save, save, save, and we wait.
|She was so excited about the princess dress she got.
Our little miracle celebrated her 4th birthday on Sunday. I can’t believe how quickly the last 4 years have flown by. All day yesterday (leap day) I kept thinking about how close she was to being a leap year baby. I imagine I’ll think about that every four years!
She insisted on wearing her “birthday hat” headband. It’s really a St. Patrick’s day headband that we got for an upcoming pep rally at school, but who’s going to argue with the birthday girl? I thought it was a great idea! It fit perfectly with her newest fashion must have: a bun with a headband (it’s how Cinderella wears her hair).
|As we sang “Happy Birthday” she waited patiently to blow out her candle.
To celebrate on her birthday we went to visit family in Mississippi (mainly grandparents). We ate lunch at one of her favorite places – a cute little soda fountain restaurant in the heart of Jackson. If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Help” you’ve probably seen it. She enjoyed a lunch of pancakes, birthday cake, and a milkshake. We were definitely sugared up, but hey, it was her birthday!
Anyway, we had a great time and I (as I always do) got teary when we started singing “Happy Birthday” to her. It never fails! I can’t help but remember how much we all prayed for this baby girl and how much she is loved by so many.
Yesterday, she got to celebrate at school for the first time. As a teacher, I have celebrated many a child’s birthday in my classroom, so it was fun being the mommy for a change. The picture to the left is a picture of her getting ready to say the blessing – I love that she goes to an Episcopal school where this type of behavior is encouraged. I love her heart for God! She was so excited to have mommy AND daddy at school with her (she gets to see me there every day, so daddy was an extra special treat). They had cupcakes and sang “Happy Birthday” to her and she got her special birthday crown.
This weekend she’ll have yet another celebration with her friends. We have invited 6 of her little friends from school for her official birthday party. We’re having it at the children’s museum here in town. She cannot wait! This is really the first time that we have had a real birthday party with kids her age. In the past it has just been family and close friends (mommy and daddy’s close friends, not necessarily her’s). It should be a good time. I’m a believer in celebrating your birthday week, so I supposed I’m just passing that along. ha!