dealing with infertility · IVF with donor eggs

Mother’s Day

We’ve been working on Mother’s Day projects in my second grade class this week, and I have to say they are ridiculously cute. It’s one of those things that we make in class that I immediately want to take home and have Anadine make one for me.  But then I think, no not yet…in due time.

Isn’t that what Mother’s Day has always been for me? In due time…

Mother’s Day hasn’t always been a celebration for me. Now, it wasn’t ever a day of deep depression where I holed up in my room and cried my eyes out, but there were almost definitely always tears. I would turn on my smile, take my mom out to eat, wish all of my pregnant friends a happy “first” mother’s day, and then I would cry. I would cry for the baby I may not ever have, the day that I would never get to celebrate for me, the mourning of the not yet. The realization that another year has passed and it isn’t about me. In due time…

Well, that time came, and I am beyond grateful, blessed, overjoyed to be a mom. To be able to celebrate Mother’s Day is something that I have always wanted, yearned for, and I finally got it. And you know something? It still makes me cry.

It gives me such mixed emotions each and every year. I can’t help but remember the sadness I felt. And the sadness I feel for you, the woman who doesn’t yet get to celebrate it for yourself – oh girl, how I feel for you. I feel the emptiness you feel. The heartache, the disbelief that another year has passed. I remember it all too well. I pray for you, your strength, your emptiness.

In due time…

And then I feel for my friends who have lost their mothers all too soon. I can’t even imagine the emptiness they feel on Mother’s Day. I pray for you, too.

In due time…

So I won’t take what I have for granted. I will celebrate! I would be lying if I didn’t expect to be treated like a queen for the day. I want to go have a nice lunch, I want to take a nap, and I want to forget laundry for the day. I worked hard to celebrate this day, and I deserve to celebrate it.

But you know what I don’t want to forget? That I have the sheer pleasure of being a mom. I want to do mommy things. I want my daughter to make me a craft at school that I will hang in the kitchen. I want to start my morning with cuddles and end it with kisses. I fully expect to deal with a tantrum (or two), a messy house, and a fight about what she’s going to wear to church. After all, this is what I asked for, what I prayed for, right? I will enjoy it with abundance.

But I will also never forget. And so I will spend a part of my day (a very large part) remembering those who still wait for their time. I remember, my friend. I will pray for the emptiness that my womb now feels. I will mourn my own losses in this process. And I will remember how truly lucky I am. This day is for mothers who are, who have been, who will be, and who want to be. If you yearn for a child, you are a mother. I know I was a mother long before I gave birth–I just had to wait for my due time.

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blocked tubes · dealing with infertility · DOR · infertility · ivf

Sometimes I have to let myself be sad – just for a minute

My co-teacher told me today she’s pregnant. I’m happy for her – truly I am. She has been trying to get pregnant for a while now, and she isn’t someone who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. She has wanted this for a long time. She has a beautiful little boy already. She’s a great mom and a good person. I am happy for her.

But I’m sad for me. Is that ridiculous? It makes me feel so selfish. I have my beautiful little girl and I feel so incredibly lucky – really blessed – for that miracle baby. I just feel like my family is not complete yet and it makes me sad that it won’t ever just happen. I have come to terms with this, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I just have to let myself be sad about it again. When I hear stories (like I heard today) of someone taking a pregnancy test just because they felt like it and then surprising her husband because he had no idea it was even possible, it makes me sad that I will never get that. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I have my own story of taking a pregnancy test and finding out I’m pregnant. Believe me, I don’t ever forget how lucky I am, and it does ease the blow SO MUCH! It’s just sometimes I want my story to be a little different. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to figure out how to get $30,000 to make a baby. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to make decisions about fertility clinics and donor eggs. Sometimes I hate the fact that I have these deformed tubes. Sometimes I just want to be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant.

Okay, rant over. Sorry I had to put all of that out there. I know it’s not a fun thing to read, but this is my safe place and it’s better that I rant here instead of to anyone else.

On a happier note, one of my students walked in this morning with a giant stuffed zebra for Anadine – his Valentine’s gift for her. Talk about making my heart melt. It was just about the sweetest thing I’ve seen in a long time.