IVF with donor eggs

We Have a Schedule!

Finally! The day has come! We have a calendar. I am not naive, and I know that a million things could happen between now and then that could make all of this change, but for now we have a plan. It’s all happening a little later than I had hoped – and the time that my husband has to be out in San Diego does not work out great for his work or for a yearly vacation that we take, but we have to just deal with it. Our donor couldn’t start any earlier, and Heavens knows I do not want to wait to do this later. So here is our donor’s schedule for egg retrieval:

Last birth control pill: 7/2

Baseline ultrasound: 7/6 or 7/7

Start stimulation medication: 7/7

Follow up ultrasound and blood work: 7/12

Follow up ultrasound and blood work: 7/14

May need to be seen the weekend of 7/15 or 7/16

Follow up ultrasound and blood work: 7/17

Egg retrieval: 7/18-7/21

So there it is. So now we still have to make decisions about PGS testing (whether to do it or not), and schedule flights, hotel, etc. I thought that we all may go out there as a family and make a vacation out of it, but the timing is just bad for that. I will be finishing up getting ready for school stuff, and it’s the week before our week at the Neshoba County Fair (look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about), so I have cooking and preparations for that. Now the praying starts for no hiccups in the plan.

IVF with donor eggs

Legal Clearance – Check!

We have signed the legal documents, our donor and her husband have done the same, and we are officially one step closer than we’ve ever been before!

yippee

So now we are ready to get the long awaited calendar. I emailed Nurse Hilary yesterday to make sure she had received the legal clearance letter from the lawyer. She replied back and said she had, and that she had reached out to the donor to see about dates that she’ll be available. Then she’s supposed to let me know when she hears back from her. Except for at the bottom of the email there was a statement that said the SDFC offices will be closed from May 18-May 21, so that means — yep, more waiting.

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I just hope the donor has responded to her and she can get things going first thing Monday morning. I am so ready for that calendar. Everything this summer, at least July, is put on hold until we know what we’re doing. And it’s driving me crazy! I have this terrible feeling that something is going to go wrong…maybe the donor won’t be available at all in July. What if this thing has to get pushed even further? I guess all there is to do is hope.

That’s what’s really hard about IVF with donor eggs. When I was doing IVF before, you had to work around schedules of course, and so much depended on your body cooperating. But now, it’s not just my schedule and my body, it’s also about a complete stranger’s body and schedule. And I know when I get an email from the nurse, I am on top of it – I respond within minutes if at all possible. I know that it’s not quite as urgent for the donor. We are completely relying on her, and that’s really tough.

But hopefully I’ll have some news (hopefully good news) at the beginning of next week. Until then, I focus on finishing out the school year with these kiddos. 4 more days until Summer bliss!

IVF with donor eggs

I hate Facebook and other ramblings

Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship, as I’m sure is the case with most people these days. It’s kind of a necessary evil, although I’m sure it’s not really necessary, but I haven’t had enough coffee this morning to find the write adjective there. I love Facebook for the obvious reasons- I love keeping in touch with people, seeing their cute kids, and (let’s be honest) it TOTALLY plays into my gossipy, nosy, love for information. But I hate the politics unless you agree with my views, and I hate days like yesterday. Days like yesterday just send me into hysterics.

When we were trying to conceive our first baby, I remember Facebook being bad, as it is with everyone dealing with infertility. I remember seeing pregnancy announcements and crying at every single one. Mother’s Day was always hard, of course, but I think yesterday was the worst I’ve ever seen it. Perhaps that’s because I have more friends with kids now? I don’t know, I was pretty old when I had my first kid and I certainly felt like everyone around me was already a mom. I don’t know why it seemed worse yesterday, but it did. Everything was about honoring mom, and I kept scrolling through (because it’s like a train wreck – I knew it was going to make me upset, but I looked anyway) and I kept thinking about how if this is hard for me now, I can’t imagine what it must be like for (insert the name of my friend who is going through infertility, just lost a child, just lost a mother, chose not to be a mother, just had a miscarriage).  I have at least one friend who fits into every single one of those categories, and my heart broke for them. I couldn’t help but think about them yesterday and I thought – why are we putting such an emphasis on this day? Sure, let’s honor the mothers out there. They/We deserve it. We work HARD to be good moms, wives, etc. It is the hardest job on the planet – but goodness knows, things got out of control with the doting – it became a competition…

Mother’s Day Facebook competition —  whose husband is going to write the sweetest message about his wife and mom of his children? Who is going to get the best Mother’s Day gift? Whose kid is going to write the funniest thing on the “all about mom” page that every kid in every grade of every school writes? Who got to sleep in the latest, got breakfast in bed, got to go to the beach? Who has the cutest family picture with matching clothes? Who went to the nicest restaurant for lunch? Who got the prettiest flowers?

It’s like Valentine’s Day exploded all over again! GROSS!

***TRIGGER WARNING- I’m about to sound like a spoiled brat, and worse, a spoiled brat who has everything she’s ever dreamed of, and for those of you who haven’t yet, please don’t judge me!***

I was bothered, more so than usual by all of this nonsense, because I got none of it (see, here’s when I start to sound like that spoiled brat!) Here’s the thing – I’m not a wine and dine kind of girl. I don’t expect a reservation at the nicest restaurant, I don’t want jewelry, or any other present that isn’t hand made by my kid on Mother’s Day.  I don’t need breakfast in bed, or a gushing Facebook post. I asked for one thing – to sleep late. I ask to sleep late 2 days out of the year – my birthday and Mother’s Day. Well, yesterday morning my kid came in the room as she usually does, and my husband turned on a movie for her to watch so that I could go back to sleep. So there I was with my snoring husband on one side of me, my child on the other side of me, and “Wreck it Ralph” playing on the TV. I know I should lie say that I am just so happy to have a child that crawls into bed with me…and I AM SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL- believe me, that was what I told myself over and over again for the 2 hours I lay there trying to sleep. I AM THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD. I HAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER ASKED FOR – except for one day to sleep in late. (Side note – I also thanked God for the fact that I have dishes to unload and a dishwasher to unload them from as I was doing that while my husband slept – I was on a serious “woe-is-me” role yesterday!)

So then my daughter asked for breakfast, so I got up and fixed us some breakfast. And when my husband finally woke up 3 hours later, I told him that I would like a do-over next weekend. He honestly looked shocked, like “what do you  mean? I didn’t make you get out of bed. I turned a movie on!” and I calmly told him that it doesn’t count and next Sunday I want him to sacrifice his sleep so that I can get mine – because that is what I do every single weekend of the year. And that is just about the most spoiled I have ever sounded, and I think he was genuinely blown away.

I write a lot of this in jest – I’m giggling to myself as I type. I know I am so lucky. Yesterday, waking up early with my 5 year old climbing into bed with me, fixing her breakfast as I do every other day of the year, breathing in her dirty smell, and feeling her hands wrap around my waist – this beats sleeping in 365 days a year – times a million!

We ate lunch at a pizza buffet (it was my choice – I told you I don’t do fancy), we had a nap, and swam at a friend’s house. It was a typical Sunday afternoon. I never got a sweet Facebook message. I didn’t get any presents, except for what she made me at school, and I spent a lot of time crying. But I wasn’t crying because of what I didn’t get on Mother’s Day. I was crying for what I do have…a house, a husband, and a child that is my very own. And I was crying for those out there who felt much worse than me. Sure, I’d like to be shown a little appreciation more, not just on Mother’s Day, but ALL THE TIME, but welcome to motherhood. That’s what it’s about – a selfless act of love. It’s what I prayed for and finally got. I am beyond blessed in so many ways.

Now, Facebook and I are taking a break from each other. I don’t deserve to feel less appreciated just because other families are more outward with it than mine is. So Facebook and I are breaking up for a bit. Unless, of course, my husband decides to gush on me for doing the laundry on a Monday  – then I’ll bask in all the lovely likes and comments from friends I haven’t seen in years and feel better about myself. Until that happens, I’ll find joy in what I have, and that’s good enough.

 

dealing with infertility · IVF with donor eggs

Mother’s Day

We’ve been working on Mother’s Day projects in my second grade class this week, and I have to say they are ridiculously cute. It’s one of those things that we make in class that I immediately want to take home and have Anadine make one for me.  But then I think, no not yet…in due time.

Isn’t that what Mother’s Day has always been for me? In due time…

Mother’s Day hasn’t always been a celebration for me. Now, it wasn’t ever a day of deep depression where I holed up in my room and cried my eyes out, but there were almost definitely always tears. I would turn on my smile, take my mom out to eat, wish all of my pregnant friends a happy “first” mother’s day, and then I would cry. I would cry for the baby I may not ever have, the day that I would never get to celebrate for me, the mourning of the not yet. The realization that another year has passed and it isn’t about me. In due time…

Well, that time came, and I am beyond grateful, blessed, overjoyed to be a mom. To be able to celebrate Mother’s Day is something that I have always wanted, yearned for, and I finally got it. And you know something? It still makes me cry.

It gives me such mixed emotions each and every year. I can’t help but remember the sadness I felt. And the sadness I feel for you, the woman who doesn’t yet get to celebrate it for yourself – oh girl, how I feel for you. I feel the emptiness you feel. The heartache, the disbelief that another year has passed. I remember it all too well. I pray for you, your strength, your emptiness.

In due time…

And then I feel for my friends who have lost their mothers all too soon. I can’t even imagine the emptiness they feel on Mother’s Day. I pray for you, too.

In due time…

So I won’t take what I have for granted. I will celebrate! I would be lying if I didn’t expect to be treated like a queen for the day. I want to go have a nice lunch, I want to take a nap, and I want to forget laundry for the day. I worked hard to celebrate this day, and I deserve to celebrate it.

But you know what I don’t want to forget? That I have the sheer pleasure of being a mom. I want to do mommy things. I want my daughter to make me a craft at school that I will hang in the kitchen. I want to start my morning with cuddles and end it with kisses. I fully expect to deal with a tantrum (or two), a messy house, and a fight about what she’s going to wear to church. After all, this is what I asked for, what I prayed for, right? I will enjoy it with abundance.

But I will also never forget. And so I will spend a part of my day (a very large part) remembering those who still wait for their time. I remember, my friend. I will pray for the emptiness that my womb now feels. I will mourn my own losses in this process. And I will remember how truly lucky I am. This day is for mothers who are, who have been, who will be, and who want to be. If you yearn for a child, you are a mother. I know I was a mother long before I gave birth–I just had to wait for my due time.

donor egg ivf · ivf · IVF with donor eggs

Time Away for the Heart

postcardnashville1The hubby and I got away this weekend to go to my college girlfriend’s wedding in Nashville. It was exactly what we needed. If I’m honest, I was worried about going because of the money we were spending on everything – hotel, flight, dress, tux – it was all adding up pretty quickly, and we all know we are strapped for cash right now. Every bit of extra money needs to be going to pay off our IVF loan, or to savings to pay for our trips to San Diego. So I was pretty stressed out about it, but I am so glad we went.

Seeing those girls always makes my heart full. They are the kind of friends that make it easy to pick right up where we left off, no matter how little we’ve spoken over the months. We get together for a girl’s weekend about once a year, but it was great fun to get together with the husbands. I adore the men my friends have married. It’s rare when your friends marry someone that still gets along with everyone in the group. It just added to the fun of having everyone together, instead of making it awkward. They also weren’t afraid to ask me how things are going in regards to this process – and I am so grateful for that. A lot of them read this blog, in fact, and I am so grateful for that, too. Girlfriends-Day-Out-Image

But on top of the good feels that these girls give me, we also have a BLAST together. The wedding was beautiful, the reception was amazing, and we danced and danced and danced. It was fun getting all dressed up, being with each other and each others’ husbands, and celebrating the last of us to be married off. It was a great “last” wedding. Now we just have to find other opportunities to get together!

So, what does this have to do with infertility? After all, that’s what this blog is about, right? Well, mostly, I just feel so refreshed. It gave me and the hubby time away from normal life for a little while. I was feeling stressed at work, stressed about finances, stressed about the upcoming cycle and getting legal stuff taken care of, etc. This weekend gave us time to just be us. To let our hair down and have a little fun. Infertility can be so incredibly tough on a marriage. I think it is important to remember who you are as a couple. Not a coupinfertility-and-marriage-300x224le struggling with infertility. Sometimes it’s hard for me to lose that identity. It has become a part of who I am, and that can be pretty tough on one’s self esteem. But this weekend I got to feel like me again. I felt loved, I felt sexy, and I felt like a human being. Not that I didn’t think about it, or talk about it, or feel it in my usual ways. But it didn’t overwhelm my day – and that’s just what I needed.