God · infertility · ivf · IVF with donor eggs · prayers · Siblings

My Heart—It’s Melting

Yesterday, Anadine and I were on our way to soccer practice and she strikes up a conversation that melted my heart. Here’s how it went…

A: Mommy, why is Miles’s daddy your brother? (Miles is her cousin who lives in DC – they adore each other)

Me: Well, Uncle Jim and I have the same mommy and daddy. We grew up in the same house. Then Uncle Jim became a grown up and had a little boy and a little girl. I grew up and had a little girl – you!

A: And a little boy?

Me: Well, no, unless you count Willie (our dog)

A: But what if you had a little baby and he was a boy?

Me: Then he would be your brother (*feeling a little weepy)

A: Well, I think we should have a baby boy so I can have a brother

Me: Well, that would be wonderful. We’ll just have to pray to God and ask him to send us a baby

A: (*puts hands together) Dear God, please give us a baby that’s a boy tomorrow. Amen

I just about lost my composure then. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Our conversation continued about how we have to say prayers every day and we may not get what we want exactly when we want it. I explained that I had to pray for God to send her to me for a long time and then finally He answered my prayers. It wasn’t exactly when I wanted it to happen, but it was also perfect when it did.

I have this feeling that God will listen to Anadine, more than anyone else. Most people do! ha! She has always had this weird and special connection to God. Ever since she was very tiny, she spoke about God as if He were her best friend. I have no doubt that they became very close as she was waiting to be delivered to me. She is, after all, a miracle made by Him.

CCRM · ivf · prayers

Morning Prayers

I had a realization the other morning and I thought I would share. First let me say that I’m usually not much for talking about my praying habits or my relationship with God- it’s always been a pretty private matter in my eyes. But I thought that some of you might like to hear about this.

Back in November when I was starting my third ivf cycle, a friend/coworker of mine gave both me and Ryan a necklace with the Catholic saint of motherhood and fertility (Saint Gerard) on it. It was a very sweet gesture and both of us have worn the necklace every day since we got it. When we were gearing up for this ivf cycle I started a simple routine in the morning when I put on the necklace – I would simply say “pray for us Saint Gerard, Saint Gerard pray for us. Please God hear our prayer, please God be with us.” I asked Saint Gerard twice – once for me and once for Ryan. It was a simple prayer that calmed me in the morning. As we progressed throughout our ivf cycle I started to say the phrase “Saint Gerard pray for us” once for me, once for Ryan, and then once for each follicle we had at our latest ultrasound. So for a while there I was saying it ten times before finishing the prayer with “please God be with us.” Then after egg retrieval and we had five eggs fertilize, I was saying it 7 times, and after transfer I was saying it four times for our two embies and the two of us. Well ever since our first ultrasound I have been saying it three times. It felt weird and short at first- but then I realized the other morning that as I ask Saint Gerard to pray for each of us, it feels like we are a family now. It was a really weird and wonderful realization. We are a family of three and that fact is becoming more and more real to me.
I continue to wear the necklace and probably will continue to do so well into motherhood! It is an amazing reminder that no matter what happens, God is with us. He gives us these challenges and although I still don’t understand why he chose me and Ryan for this particular challenge, I do see that he has been with us the entire way. I continue to pray that this nugget stays strong and that I get to meet him/her in about 6 1/2 months. I pray that God stays with us and our little baby forever and for always.


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