I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while. If you have experienced success after infertility, I think you’ll be able to understand what I am going to try to convey here. When I was pregnant the first time, it took be a very long time to be excited about it. I had experienced so much heartbreak and loss, that I couldn’t let myself feel joy in fear that it wasn’t going to last. I was convinced that something was going to go wrong. Some may say that I was being pessimistic, but I think it was more of a defense mechanism. I had gotten my hopes up so much through the infertility process. Before we found out I didn’t have Fallopian tubes, I spent months getting my hopes up, each time to be greeted with a period in the end. Then three rounds of IVF, each one getting my hopes up that it would be the one, only to get cancelled or result in a failed pregnancy test. So when it finally did work, I didn’t let myself get too excited because I was afraid that something would happen. That it still wouldn’t be my happily ever after. Of course, I enjoyed every minute that I could, but I always had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t let my hopes get to high — just in case.
This time, I feel the same way, except now there is this layer of guilt added to it. This is going to sound ridiculous, so forgive me. Compared to getting pregnant the first time, getting pregnant this time was a breeze. Yeah, see, that’s the ridiculous part. It wasn’t a breeze. I had to use donor eggs. We had to pick out a freakin’ donor for crying out loud! We lost our first choice, and had to choose another one. And the money! Oh the money we spent! But I got pregnant the first transfer we did, and because of that I feel like it was really easy. We’ve made it through the first trimester and I’m still pregnant – so easy. I hear about and read about these girls who, even with donor eggs, go through rounds and rounds to get pregnant or stay pregnant. I just feel so blessed. But kind of like my first pregnancy, I feel like I can’t get excited. At least not that blissful, nothing will go wrong kind of excited. I feel like we’ve gotten too lucky, and my time must be coming. But then I realize all of those things that we did go through to get here. And all the steps we took to assure, as much as possible, that we have a healthy baby growing in there. It’s not like I had sex, and whoops there’s a baby! It was not easy. And this is not a life where you can compare yourself to others. Everyone has a different diagnosis. Everyone responds differently to the drugs and pregnancy itself. So what I have to do is believe that my body can take care of this. And remember that I’ve done it before and didn’t have issues carrying a baby, so why should I expect it to be different this time? I have to be as happy as possible, and take what I’ve been given.
So for some updates, because I know it’s been forever since I have posted anything.
We had the gender scan and “found out” that we are having a boy. Of course we already knew that, but it was nice to get the confirmation. And Anadine did not know, so it was fun to see her find out. She went to the appointment with us, and was super cute as she watched the baby wiggling on the screen. She’s pretty excited it’s a boy. She kept saying “I want a sister, but I think it’s a brother” so I guess she was preparing herself for any outcome.
I am currently 17.5 weeks. My belly is growing each day, and I’m starting to feel more and more flutters. I still haven’t felt any definite kicks yet, and I have to say I’m feeling pretty anxious to start feeling them. It’s still at the point when I think I feel something and think “maybe that was the baby?” I’m really anxious for Ryan and Anadine to be able to feel the movement. I know Anadine will get such a kick out of it (pun intended).
The nausea is much better, and I haven’t gotten sick in about 2 weeks. I have had terrible heartburn though, and when I do feel sick it’s because of that. Lots of acid reflux, which is disgusting and not fun!
We go in for our anatomy scan next week. I know I say this before every appointment, but I’ll feel so much more sure about things after this scan. I’m just ready to be confident that all of his parts and pieces are in there where they are supposed to be. Plus, seeing him moving on the screen always puts my mind at ease.
After Christmas is over, we’ll start the transition of moving Anadine out of her current room and preparing it for a nursery. She is starting to come around to this idea. I think once she sees that all of her stuff will be in her new room, she’ll feel more at ease about it.
So I guess that’s it for now. I’ll try to update again after our appointment next week.